Monthly Archives: January 2013

Love’s Uncaring Nature – Musings

People don’t believe you when you tell them you love them unconditionally, because they  think that means loving immortally, undying, forever. There is an innate, automatic rejection of undying love, because it is a falsehood, and we all know this deep-down. Human love is a living thing which can die. But while it lives it can be unconditional. Like a plant, it doesn’t care about your moral choices. It might be a coddled, soft, fragile houseplant, or a tough little sprout that fought it’s way through the concrete crack, and is flourishing in the cold wind, but either way, it doesn’t care if you walk by naked, waggle your dong at a passing child, spit on a dog, then wander off. This living thing only cares if it is fed, watered, cared for, or killed. The strongest plants can live with no human contact for years, taking in nutrients from the rain and soil and sunshine around them- self sustaining. The trees of the world, breathe slow, live long. But a loving hand can bring them to a state of lush growth more beautiful and verdant than ever before. 

Love can be torn out by the roots, or cared for and caused to grow, but it is innately self-centered. It would take the strangest human mental acrobatics to stop loving someone because of behavior unrelated to love. 

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What am I thankful for

A cute little apartment with a peach colored kitchen
A husband who loves me like crazy
A job that gets me out in the sunlight, whether I want it to or not
A boss for a work-from-home job who thinks I invented the internet, and who is raising my pay by 50% next month.
There is so much love in my life, I can barely contain myself.
I am squired to an excellent knight.
I have a wonderful pair of dancing shoes, and an excuse to use them at the end of this month.
And So many more things.

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I hate this.

I got my period today, wasn’t expecting it, and it hit with no warning and like a ton of bricks.

I was at work, standing crossing guard duty when I first felt it. Nothing to be done but let my jeans soak themselves with blood underneath my black coat. Got into the car when the first strains of the next stanza started, the sick feeling that comes from the estrogen withdrawal.

Stopped by Starbucks on the way home, standing in line wet with blood, to get some disgusting soy milk to drink, hoping it’ll help.

It’s helping now. Three hours in. Without outside influence, this usually takes closer to eight hours to run it’s course, and no medicine helps, not even a little.

The nausea is bad, but the worst part is this sick, Wrong feeling in my center. Like there’s something going terribly wrong inside and nothing makes it feel better, but bending at the waist makes it a Lot worse for a few moments, ‘makes me want to throw up. Then it goes back to just feeling terrible. And the nausea gets Worse when I drink the soy milk (probably because it’s gross) but it’s got to work it’s way through the body to start working. So I’ve got to get as much down as I can. I hate this. People have SO many home remedies for “women’s troubles” – keep your belly warm, drink tea of various sorts, pain killers, Midol. Yeah, right. And the next time you have a cold, eat some grass from the backyard. You’ll be totally cured, I swear.

The symptoms are starting to abate now, and the description of them almost seems unreal. I start to forget how bad it felt. Good thing, too.

Oh, and my sense of smell is here today. Thanks, body. Nausea PLUS a sudden hyper-awareness that food has a smell. My husband is eating cold cuts straight from the refrigerator, and the smell of ham is overwhelming and GROSS.

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January 3, 2013 · 5:00 pm